I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately, looking at old journals and blog posts, overall just looking back. I have realized how much I go back and forth with spirituality. I go through phases where I am feeling extremely spiritual, followed by phases of feeling so far removed from spirituality, etc.
Most especially, these past several months I don’t think my faith has been as solid as it once was. I have still pushed myself to stay close to my intuition, but it has not been as rock solid as it once was before these past several months.
That’s because I went through a very heartbreaking situation. I lost someone and I had my heart smashed to pieces. When you go through something like that, it really paints a dark shadow over your world. The thing is that I was so far stuck in deep denial that although this was many months ago, it actually took me many months just to begin to process and comprehend what happened. It is not something I accepted immediately. It took way longer than it should for me to clear through my own delusions.
Once your mind plays so many tricks on you like that, it’s really hard to imagine that there is anything beyond what meets the eye. It’s really easy to fall into a pit of bitterness, to become angry at the world, to lash out on innocent bystanders. It’s too easy. And I don’t like easy, which is why I will never let my own pain cause me to invoke pain on other people for no reason. Just because I’m upset does not mean anyone around me should also be upset — but sadly many people think this way.
I think there’s a reason why I was born into a secular community, born into a family that never pushed specific beliefs on me, raised with a religion that didn’t have a dogma. I was meant to find my own truth. If I was raised with spirituality pushed on me, then I probably would’ve rebelled from it.
And I think there’s a reason I had someone removed from my life, someone I was obsessing and loving too hard, to the point where I was losing focus of reality. Many religious passages state that you should never love anyone more than God Himself — on the surface that may sound like God being selfish, but this is selflessness, because as humans we do not know how to properly love other humans without letting our possessiveness, craziness, and jealousy get in the way. God does not want to see us obsessing and loving a person to the point where you forget what’s real and what’s false, you stop putting faith in the universe, you worship this person instead of Him.
I am at this point where I cannot think about the future at all, I can’t think about a year from now, six months, three months even. I don’t want to know what will happen. And maybe that’s a good thing, that I am finally living in the moment again. I’m not thinking of the past either — okay, well, I am reflecting upon the past… but I’m not living in the past, I’m observing it from where I stand today.
I’m living in the now. I’m raising my awareness. I’m paying attention to the miracles that surround us. I’m not delusional as I once was. I will probably continue to fade in and out of my spirituality, but each time I come back stronger, that’s what matters.