Journal Journey: Ages 25 to 26

Unicorns!!! I got this from Michael’s. This post is going to be really long because this journal is very thick!

This was literally the weirdest panic attack I ever had. I was laughing at a meme on my phone and then out of nowhere began crying, but then back to laughter, and then crying. I started shivering badly and my whole body froze up and I couldn’t breathe.

So now it’s March 2020 (eeeekkk) and I just signed the lease for my own new apartment.

Quarantine.

I already planned to isolate myself, to live by myself and seriously take time away from friends and everyone else to truly go within. Well, this was my plan before quarantine, now I don’t have a choice. But I am becoming more spiritual than ever before.

But I am now dealing with a guy who has been driving me crazy for a long time and it’s about to get even worse.

“I really do kinda want to be a nun. But I also want a baby someday.”

This is in June 2020 when the first of my arthritis symptoms began popping up! Crazy! I wish I went to the doctor sooner.

This is also right when I got my new kitten, Luna! Baby Luna!!! So sweet!!!

Now I’m learning about numerology.

Luna was soooo adorable as a kitten… but she was also a nightmare at times!!!

I really did not like any physical affection at all as a child. I would wipe off my mom’s kisses. She would beg to cuddle with me and I refused. Sometimes I gave her a foot massage but I rarely agreed to them. But at this time, as she is getting sicker, it is very different and I am happy to do all of that.

My knee pain keeps going! I really should have gone to a doctor much sooner!!! It hurts to look back and see how much physical pain I was facing, how I just kept trying to push past it. Yikes. “Maybe I am diseased” — YES, I AM DISEASED!!! SEE A DOCTOR RIGHT NOW!!!

When I first moved, Venus used to throw up almost every day. She also stopped playing. It’s like she became really stressed and depressed. Life changes are really hard for cats. After settling in, and after adopting Luna, she really brightened up again.

Just majorly crushing hard right now… just trying to prove myself… fighting major anxiety and probably looking like an idiot… I can still feel how excited I was at the time, I can feel it in my bones.

Its sorta just hitting me now about COVID. This might go on for years.

BECAUSE HE’S MEAN.

This is really cringe but I have to post it because I feel like it’s so ridiculous it’s just like insane 😂😂😂

How often do you ponder about mushrooms? Does anyone else agree that they are the source of life?

The freakiest part about a lucid dream is that it genuinely feels more real than reality. Not talking about vivid or memorable dreams, but true lucid dreams. Freaky!

This next part is about my mom declining. 😢 In my childhood she used to say, “do I tell you that I love you too much?” And I would nod and say “yes!” And she would laugh.

😞💔

COVID persisting…

More dreams!

Now I’m just adding this next part because you see I am so much of an over-analyzer and I will take moments from years prior (and remember the exact date) and try to connect that to the present moment… 🧐😂

I feel like it wasn’t until this point in my life until I realized how much I need routine and repetition to ease the anxiety. And through following this, I am having far less panic attacks.

“Day 19” refers to my cycle. In the past few years in my journals I always try to track what day of my cycle I am in so that I can be more aware of my mood, energy levels, etc. I have made a post on here about how important it is to be aware of what day/week of your moon cycle you are on.

Also I am cringing at “I have completely leveled up in life” hahaha, I’m not sure if that’s accurate, I guess that’s what I felt at the time of writing it.

In mid January ‘21, my mom moved to assisted living. My siblings and I all came for the week.

It was incredibly sad, yet a relief to know she was about to receive the professional care she needed.

It’s like on The Bachelor (TV) where you have to grab their attention.

OMG last winter was way too much snow, I’m just as terrified about this year.

“But he could see on my face that I was hurt.”

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