I’m changing

Going through my old journals and posting the recaps, I had to stop at 2020 to take a breather and process it all, but I will continue my journal journey shortly. I questioned if two years ago would be too recent to look back on, and then I realized how much I have changed since then. In fact, I have changed a great amount since as little as two months ago. I’m always changing.

I was thinking about the pressure I began facing to get married and have babies once I reached my mid-twenties. Two years ago, I was 25. Right now, I am the same age my mom was when she got married, which is strange to think about. She had her first child, my older brother, at 30. Societal pressure for me, as a woman, to immediately start a family is only going to grow stronger in the coming years.

Some people get married young, and I fully support that. I have friends who got married in their early twenties, some engaged while still a teen, and live very happy lives. I know women who have had pregnancies and babies in their early twenties, some of them married and some not, and live happy lives. Again, I support that. But these are extremely personal choices, and it’s going to feel different for everyone.

In no way do I owe the world an explanation for my thoughts on these matters. But this is something I choose to write, choose to share with the world, because I want to. For anyone else, it’s their choice to reveal or not reveal their perspective.

I just feel the need to say this because I feel that in the recent past year or two, that I’ve expressed things that I no longer agree with. I was going through such a huge life change at the time, and as a way of coping, I was making a lot of extreme statements in order to feel a sense of control. Well, I basically implied that the next person I date is automatically who I am going to marry. Also what weighed heavy on my mind, was wondering when I would have children, how many I would have — and I made a post about all the psychics I went to asking about this (I’m still glad I did that, it will be super interesting to look back on someday!) I also wrote a few posts about the topic of parenting.

Maybe this is just in my head, or maybe not, but I feel like I put out a lot of statements implying that I was obsessing over marriage, pregnancy, babies, and parenting. That is partially true, but what I was obsessing more about, was the pressure I was facing to do all of that.

What remains true is that I really am not interested in dating around, going on dating apps, going out and meeting a bunch of new people. I have nothing against that for anyone else, that is only my personal preference.

I do not think I ever want to get married. That has nothing to do with fear of commitment, plenty of happy couples stay together forever and never get married. And I’m not saying I refuse to get married. Plus things change and people change all the time. But I have my own personal reasons.

I always thought I wanted to have kids, like three or four, but I don’t know now. I could just have one or two. I could have none. I don’t see that happening for me for a very long time. If ever. I might have a baby when I’m 40, or I might lose my fertility by then, and I will adopt. Or I will choose to be child-free. The only thing I am adamant on is having lots of pets!

I am open-minded and the future is uncertain. I try to have trust in the universe, I try to remain open to whatever is meant to be. But whatever I do in life, it will not have to do with what other people want for me. Everyone tells you to get married and have kids, but they will not be the one to ultimately deal with the financial, emotional, mental, physical challenges. I will not do these things just for the sake of making others happy. If I do, it’s because it felt right.

I’m really, really happy with my life right now. Whenever I have a bad day, people question that my life must be so horrible and lonely. I am human, I am living through a pandemic, along with climate change, political corruption, world hunger, diseases, and so forth. Am I not allowed to have the occasional bad day? When it comes down to it, I am majorly blessed. Sometimes I get my way and sometimes I don’t. I just go with it.

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