Journal Journey: Ages 20 to 21

I feel like this journal has a vintage style to it. It’s hard to see but it says “live, love, dream, dance.” I don’t remember buying this, I think I found this around my house somewhere. This journal is super thick, like one inch. I’m writing way more frequently now.

So in my last journal, I feel like I am slowly getting more into spirituality, but I keep letting myself get pulled into silly friendship drama. Let’s see where this one takes me.

Well, I start this journal already over analyzing and picking apart all of my friendships and all of the people I know. I also want to make a note that I am mainly skimming a lot of what I have written, because it is just so much.

There’s a lot going on. Every friend I have is dealing with some type of drama and I’m getting dragged into it. One just had a breakup, one is stuck in an on-and-off relationship, one friend is still bothering me because she keeps ditching hangouts early to go see another friend. One friend who I had a drift with is coming back into my life again. And now I’m starting to obsess a bit over my past as well. Too many people and so much drama!!!

I remember a really great weekend at my aunt and uncles going sledding in their backyard. I spent much of that time with my cousin’s daughter who was just about three years old at the time. That was so fun. I also remember how before that, my horoscope saying “you will bond with a younger family member” and that certainly came true!

I’m getting so extremely drained by people and feeling really taken advantage of like people keep using me for favors. I’m skipping classes and not studying enough because everyone wants to constantly hang out and there’s so much drama going on with everybody.

As my mom would say “it’s not easy being popular” 😅 I mean, I am thankful for having many friends, but it’s draining me because of my lack of boundaries and struggle with saying “no” to people. I’m trying too hard to be everyone’s perfect best friend. My boyfriend at the time is taking advantage of my money, and then he falls into a downward spiral every time I try to draw boundaries. I have completely lost my sense of self!!! Why do I let people make me feel so guilty when THEY are the ones who are taking advantage of me?!?!

Yesterday something freaky happened. As I walked into the caf, I swear I saw a ghost fly through the doors towards me. The ghost looked angry and determined.

OMG I completely forgot about this, but now that I’m reading it, it’s slightly coming back. Oh my god, how strange… My campus was VERY haunted.

Anyway, I think I did have good friends and I miss the ones I have lost touch with. But when you spend so much time with the same people, I think you will naturally get on one another’s nerves. As much as we all got sick of each other, we would still continue to hang out and spend time with one another. I think that just happens with people. Especially during college, such a high-pressure, stressful time. I think all this venting I do in my journal is only a small part of all the fun times that were had.

I’m overanalyzing the past, so many old friends and old crushes and who I used to be. I really just want to give my past-self a shake!!! And tell her to put the focus back on yourself!!!

Now we are getting into late 2015, and I’m about to enter senior year of college. I feel like the focus is finally returning back to myself.

Strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet. At this point I am learning not to put so much pressure on friendship. You either vibe with someone or not. You go through phases and frequencies. We’re all just living in our own little worlds. All I ask for is respect.

This is me reflecting on the college experience. Overall, I’m extremely thankful for how it worked out. Personally, it was worth it. But I also learned that college is not always the answer. One of my best friends who I’m still very close with today, dropped out during sophomore year. My boyfriend at the time dropped out in junior year. The bulk of my friends dropped out freshmen year. For me, it was equally on-top-of-the-world-amazing and also rip-your-hair-out-exhausting.

College is not the automatic answer for what everyone should do after high school. College is not always the necessary path to wealth and success. But most of all, students should not begin college with the expectation that this will be the best time of their life. It’s not like all the American movies. Looking back, five years past graduation, I can tell you that college was so much better than high school, but certainly not the best time of my life. I’m happier with my current life than my college life, but still grateful for that time (even though half of it makes me cringe!)

I am like a puddle. When I’m with others, I automatically conform to who they want me to be. I’m an eager people pleaser. I do whatever people want me to do. I let everyone control me. That’s why socializing can feel so draining and stressful.

Trying to finish up the semester is like taking those last few steps after running a marathon. It’s like… OKAY… ALMOST THERE… FINALLY!!!! I begin my doggy day care job. It’s the end of 2015. One more year of college.

The message here is very clear. I had some beautiful friendships, really fun times… but I cannot look past the fact that many people took advantage of me and used my money, my energy, my kindness, etc for their own benefit. Whenever I put my foot down, their instant reaction was to send me on a guilt-trip and make me feel bad about standing my ground.

I am so much stronger today, so much better at drawing boundaries. However, I think a core part of my personality always has, and always will be, an eagerness to be of service, a fluidness to fit someone else’s mold. Solitude keeps me grounded.

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