So, I wrote this fan fiction about Joker and Harley Quinn having a baby together. This is not accurate, although I tried to keep it as close to both characters’s nature as possible. In May 2017, they wrote the storyline of Harley having a baby named “Lucy” in secret, who Joker knows nothing about, who is raised by Harley’s sister. I’m not a fan of this storyline, so let’s just say that Lucy is the sister’s real daughter, which makes Harley her aunt. Also — HQ is the narrator, so remember to read her voice with a heavy Brooklyn accent.
Joker and I have been through so darn much. Everyone is familiar with the infamous story of how we met at the Arkham Asylum while I was still a practicing psychiatrist (back when I was plain old Harleen Quinzel… yuck!)
We were on and off for quite a while. And then came the day when we broke up for good. There’s two sides to every story — he’ll tell you he threw me out, but it was ME who kicked him to the curb… at least, I like to tell myself that!
I grew much stronger after that. I went through hell and back; I rose from the dead. I didn’t need Joker to be a badass villain! I found support from my fellow ladies, as well as my new pet Hyena, Bruce!
It was inevitable that Puddin’ would come crawling back to me, I knew it. But I also knew that he would leave me again. This time, if he wanted to come back, he had to STAY.
“Let’s spend the night together, Pooh,” he said at my doorstep one night with alcohol on his breath.
“Let’s spend forever together,” I thought in my head, but I wouldn’t say it out loud. Not this time. I was fed up.
“Come in, sweet Puddin’, let me make you some drinks,” I winked, letting him follow me into my kitchen where he sat on a stool as I played bartender.
“It’s been such a hard day,” he sighed.
“Oh, tell me all about it, sweetheart,” I comforted, sliding a gin and tonic his way.
Drink after drink, he became mushier and mushier. I had been dreaming of this moment for so long, for him to run back into my arms.
To put the cherry on top, I grabbed a few pills, crushed them up and let them dissolve into his last drink.
With his final gulp, it was my moment to strike!
“Mistah Jay,” I stood tall with my hands on my hips, “what in the world will it take for you to commit?”
Joker grabbed my face, looked me dead in the eyes without blinking, and said, “MARRY ME!”
“AHHH!” I shrieked, jumping into his arms, “I do!”
Expecting him to push me away as always, this time, he fully embraced me.
“It’s settled,” he stated, “I’m calling in a jet and we’ll fly to Vegas and get hitched tonight!”
So, we did it! We got married in Vegas!
Immediately afterwords, we hit the casino and won $100,000!!! Gosh, luck was truly on our side that night! (I mean, we cheated, but who’s counting?)
That night, just before bedtime, I drugged Joker one more time with sleeping pills. Thinking ahead, I tied him to the bed. I tied both arms, both legs, and wrapped a few chains around his body too, just in case.
As I predicted, he woke up the next morning without a trace of memory, eager to run.
“What is this?” He asked, “Harley, untie me now. What kind of freaky stuff did we get into last night? What is this ring on my finger…?”
“Puddin’, we did it!” I grinned, “we finally tied the knot!”
“When should we start making babies? Tonight? Tomorrow? Right now?”
“Harley, you know that I want nothing to do with marraige, or the government!” His face was as red as an apple! It was so cute!
“That’s not what ya said last night,” I shrugged with a smirk.
“Harley, this is not funny. Tell me what happened.”
“I, uh…” I stuttered, “I may have given you one, too many drinks… may have slipped in a pill or two… or seven,” I confessed in my sweetest, most innocent voice possible.
I squeezed my eyes shut and braced myself for his wrath. I knew his muscles were strong enough to break those chains.
“You… you really did that?” He responded to my surprise, as if he was actually flattered.
“Harl, I never thought you could be that evil. This whole time, I couldn’t trust you. I thought you secretly wanted to hand me over to Batman this whole time I knew you. I thought you were too soft, too full of love, to actually be a true villain.”
“Well I am soft, and I am full of love,” I explained, “but I’m also as evil as they come.”
“Oh, my villain. My sweet, sweet, brain-damaged villain. You really are on the dark side.”
He looked as if his heart had been touched for the very first time. So much delicacy in his eyes.
“I love you even more now, Pumpkin Pie, my beautiful wife.”
I was in absolute disbelief. I graciously untied him from the bed. And still, he didn’t run.
“I love you too, I always have.”
“Right now,” he answered, “let’s make our first baby right now, Harley-girl!”
Those following months, Joker continued to remain by my side. With my body changing, I was more terrified than ever. What if he lost his attraction for me, as my belly bloated and my feet swelled?!
But he didn’t. He told me I had this magnificant pregnancy glow, and looked better than ever. He traced his fingers around my stomach with admiration.
“I feel it kicking,” he said.
“Gosh Puddin’, it’s far too early for that!” I chuckled.
“It’s a boy, I can feel it.”
“You really think?”
“Yes. It’s gonna be a little Joker.”
“Aww!” I gushed, “A little mistah Jay Junior!”
I could picture it. A strong boy with a strong father figure. He would grow up to be the New Joker, and my old man could finally retire from his mobster life and spend the rest of his days settled with me.
As my belly grew bigger and I was approaching labor, I insisted we go to Arkham Hospital for a proper checkup. Of course we would go in disguise with false identities.
After the ultrasound, the doctor announced with joy, “it’s a GIRL!”
Our jaws dropped in total shock. Joker’s face turned so pale that I thought he had his clown makeup on for a second.
“That can’t be,” Joker furiously shook his head in denial.
“Aww, a little Harley!” I squealed in excitement.
“No, no, no,” he panicked, “we can’t have another Harley.”
“Hope she’s not attracted to psychopaths like her mama!” I teased.
“That’s not funny,” he placed his head in his hands.
“Maybe this will change the way you treat women, maybe a daughter will show you what it truly means to be a man,” I snarled.
“What if she gets hurt?” He placed his hand on his heart.
“You’ll always be her number one,” I consulted.
I’ve never seen Joker in such a fragile state.
“Let’s name her Ace,” I concluded.
“ACE!” He shot his fist in the air, “I like it!”
I gave birth a mere few weeks later. At home, of course, so her identity would remain safely unknown. And sure enough it was a girl, not just any girl, she was our little Ace.
Boy, we had no idea what we were in for. What do you get when you mix two psychopaths together? Absolute MADNESS!!!
Ace was a crying machine. Every second of the day she would cry. We tried ducktaping her lips together, but that made her cry even more! Who woulda thought?!
Ace was also a POOPING machine! If she wasn’t crying, then she was pooping. I was changing diapers left and right.
Joker became more distant with time. Too exhausted to take care of Ace, he constantly made excuses about working overtime. (By the way, in bad-guy world, “working” means “chasing after and killing all the good guys.”)
But one day I decided to go through his bills and found several charges from A HOTEL! That bastard was cheating on me while I was stuck home with the demon! HOW DARE HE!!!
So I stalked him. That’s when I found out he wasn’t cheating after all, he was taking naps! He rented out hotel rooms just to get some peace and quiet!
“Hey, Mistah Jay!” I woke him up with a splash of ice water on his face, “is this what you call work?!”
“I’m so tired!” He pleaded.
“Me too,” I sighed, too exhausted to even fight.
So Ace and I curled up in the warm, king-sized bed with Puddin’ and fell fast asleep… until five minutes later, when Ace started crying again.
It got a little easier once Ace was potty trained. Joker and I grew stronger through the hardship.
Ace was the sweetest little toddler. We wore matching outfits with our matching blonde pigtails. She was so full of life, a very curious one with a big heart. Her giggles made it all worth it.
There were times when Ace was the light of my life. But there were also times when Ace was the dark, black hole of my life.
Ace’s tantrums were so out of control that one day she ended up breaking every single piece of furniture in the house. We locked her up in a cage, but she was freakishly strong and broke free.
“She’s almost worse than Batman,” Joker cried, “what are we going to do with her?”
“Send her to Arkam Aslyum?” I sighed heavily.
“Oof,” I caught myself, “this is bad. Look at us. We’re repeating our parents’s mistakes. I mean, I want her to be a strong villain, for sure. But she can’t end up as messed up as we are, she can’t. She has to know that she’s loved.”
I decided it was time to dabble back into psychiatry. I sat down with little Ace, already five-years old now, and conducted a psychoanalysis.
“You dun listen,” Ace shook her head and furrowed her eyebrows and pouted, “you dun see me.”
It felt like a stab in the heart. But it was absolutely true. Joker and I had been seriously neglecting our little Ace. We weren’t challenging ourselves. We were givin’ up.
I convinced Puddin’ that we needed to take a family trip together and strengthen our bond. On a Friday night after dark, we went to the Coney Island funhouse that had been abandoned for the past twenty years.
“My daddy took me here as a child, back when it was still up and runnin’,” I explained to Ace.
The three of us stood inside, as Joker’s team was on guard right outside for protection.
Ace’s eyes widened as she observed all the different colors, all the crazy structures, and all the walls vandalized with graffiti.
“Dat’s my fave-wit!” She exclaimed, pointing to graffiti of Batamn with a big red “X” over it.
“That’s my girl!” Joker announced proudly.
I got down on my knees so that I could come face to face with little Ace.
“Sweetie, don’t take it personally when your parents ignore your emotions,” I said, “truth is, us adults dont even know how to deal with our own emotions!”
She nodded as I continued, “when I was your age… every time I cried, or laughed too hard, or showed any type of emotion… whether I was getting too upset or too excited… my daddy would throw me into a cage and lock the door, like I was a dog. I would shout, kick, and scream, but he would never let me come out of that cage until I showed zero emotion. Because he was scared of me.”
Joker put his arm around me as I started to cry.
“Do you know why the world loves Batman?” I went on, “because he’s emotionless. He does everything your daddy does, but with no emotion. His voice is monotone, he wears all black, and he keeps himself completely hidden. So everyone thinks he’s perfect. But really, he’s just fake!
“And do you know why I fell in love with your daddy? Because he is so colorful, from his outfits to his personality. He displays his emotions fearlessly. He feels things deeply and he ain’t afraid to show it.
“Emotions are a good thing. They’re only bad when you suppress them. If people call you crazy for having feelings, it’s simply a reflection of how much they fear their own emotions. It has nothing to do with you. So go ahead, make people uncomfortable!
“Out of all the things you can be in this world, the greatest thing you can be is crazy. That means you are brave enough to be alive, brave enough to be your true self. That’s why we’re the bad guys, because we’re crazy, and everyone’s afraid of crazy. If people are afraid of you, then good! Let them think you’re crazy. Let them fear you, because you don’t want to be around people like that. But — if someone can accept your craziness, you will have the deepest love one could ever dream of.
Concluding my speech, “ain’t that right Mistah Jay?” I turned to Joker and gave him a BIG SMOOCH right on the mouth!
“Eww!” Ace covered her eyes.
“Yeah, gross,” Joker made a face, before quickly grabbing me and smooching me back. “Nothing more dangerous than a woman who doesn’t care what people think,” he winked.
“Yucky!” Ace whined.
“Tomorrow, we’re going to the shooting range, and I’m teaching you how to shoot a gun!” Joker exclaimed.
“Yay!” Ace and I both cheered.